“Cutting you out of my life was inevitably one of the most painful experiences, perhaps just as painful as ripping a band aid from an open wound. A hurtful action yet mandatory to stop the continuous pain but I knew it could never be over because only one of us realised there was something there in the first place. To you it was all over before it even began. Surprisingly, the moment you left the world i was in began to show colours i never remembered existed.”

-it was nothing more than the idea of love 

“you’ll never be alone, you will always have me darling. Don’t you know you’re all I could ever ask for and more?” He said to me,”I don’t have any elaborate or luxurious gifts but I’ll always love you and treat you like no other.”

I felt myself giving in to him and I told myself I shouldn’t have. Because ultimately, everyone is temporary and will leave in the end but i thought that if there was one person that was destined to be with me, it would be him.

and you asked me why i started smoking so much,
i told you it’s just because i wanted to stop thinking for a bit,
i didn’t want to feel emptier than i already was,
wishing he was there to hold me.
Just because i wanted to forget everything he and i ever had
and that we will no longer be laughing at the movies
or singing to our favourite songs together.
Just because i couldn’t accept that he was doing our things with someone else
who wouldn’t appreciate the way he says his words
or the way he arranges his hair in the mirror.
Just because i lost myself trying to find him.
Just because.

The cage you’re entrapped in is made out of bars that can be bent. 
You see, you do not need to be strong,
you need to be courageous.
The air outside may be cold and your body may lack the warmth,
but run.
Leave your fears in the dust and run in hopes that you’ll reach the end.
I promise you that you’ll eventually make it home.

1 a.m. thoughts

these are the sleepless nights where your mind refuses to shut off,
and the battle lines carved out and drawn
could be the best or worst ones,
depending on who’s winning. 

i’m drowning here,
but i see you at the shore
describing the waters.

To the man i love the most;

If I had the opportunity to tell you everything one last time;

After everything I had done for you, why did you fuck me up so bad? I was always there for you when you needed it, I always tried my best to give you all the support you needed. From even the simplest things like waking you up on time to comforting the demons in you, I put in my heart and soul into shaping you to be a better person. And what did you do?

You ran.

You ran from all your “disastrous” situations, you ran from me even when I offered everything I could. Overtime I started to doubt that you genuinely loved me, and it ate away at my soul, bit by bit. Gradually, I got neglected by you, and decided to invest more time into friends. But you couldn’t accept it. You were so utterly jealous and hurt that I had given someone just a bit more attention than I usually would. You refused to accept it and started blaming me for the lack of attention when I’ve been feeling it all the while. Nevertheless I still wanted to reassure you that all was fine and that I still loved you with every fibre of my being. Time after time in our relationship, you got more aggressive with your words and your behaviour around me.

It wasn’t long till everything went downhill from there. From mini tantrum throwing to arguments that spanned over a couple of days, you lost faith in me just because things got rougher for us. You were too weak and couldn’t brave through the storm with me, even though I tried so very hard to push forward, in hopes that at the end of it all, you’ll still love me unconditionally.

But you didn’t.

You left me for her, the girl that you gave all your undivided attention to when you didn’t want to face the monsters ahead of us. I thought we agreed to put on our war paint and charge forward? What happened? What happened to all your promises and commitments?

I wish I could say I hated you for doing this to me, for cheating on me. Somehow, I still find myself worrying about you, even though you’re no longer mine.

How easy it must’ve been to throw everything you had with me away, just for her. How great it must have felt when you left me hanging, spending all your time you had with her. I was the one who supported and loved you, so why did you have to do this to me?

WHY?

“she’s been smiling all day so you would think she’s perfectly alright,
but don’t you know she’s been crying herself to sleep at night?
even if she wanted to genuinely feel alright,
it just wasn’t that easy.”

Here’s to us;

How would i put this? I honestly never knew i would’ve wanted you this badly. I never knew i would’ve loved you this much.

There are so many things i adore about you, the way you give me weird-looking faces to cheer me up, the way you go into ‘shock mode’ when you fall asleep and how you bring out your sadistic side of you when we talk about the people we dislike. The way you laugh, or look at me, I can’t list them all out. I’ve noticed your imperfections too, but i’ve grown to accept them all. I love your flaws, your insecurities in every single way because that’s what makes you who you are now. Even if you hate yourself for your flaws, i want to spend the rest of my life embracing anything and everything else about you.

Sure, we have our disagreements and conflicts. We argue and get annoyed at each other. when you love someone, you get hurt but you hurt them as well. You wound each other, but if you love them enough, you would love them so hard as to heal them and put their broken pieces back together. You want them to feel better. You want them to feel loved.

Baby, I promise for as long as i can, i won’t give up on you. It gets harder each day, especially when you’re not around but i want to protect your fragile heart for the rest of my life. No matter how difficult things get for us, i won’t give up because life would definitely be much harder if you weren’t around, wouldn’t it? I will wipe away your tears, i will hold you in my arms for as long as you need to be held. Even if you decide to call me at 2am in the morning to sad to say a single word, i will listen to your silence until you fall asleep.  I won’t let you feel insecure anymore, even if it takes months or years for you to feel safe with me. Open up to me, tell me everything about you. Show me what created the demons in you. Who hurt you? Who caused you to feel so sorry for everything?

But the thing is, even if you aren’t certain about the answers within yourself, darling we’ll put on face paint and go demon hunting together. You won’t face this alone. I’m sure of it.

Here’s to us.

“what are you afraid of?”
“losing you.”
you then told me you would never leave my side
oh, but look at me now
i’m crying in the corner of my room
and you don’t even realize how hard it is for me to
stay alive.